“Throwers” relish clearing out and will empty a house quickly; “keepers” want to preserve special things as well as memories, and will linger over the process. People who balance these attributes have come to the realization that the most valuable thing in a house is the life that has been lived there. Read more about how “keepers” and “throwers” work together to downsize and declutter.
As Memorial Day comes around once more, it’s time to honor the sacrifices made by veterans of war (and their families). The picnics are fun, and the beginning of summer is joyful. But let’s not forget the original meaning of the holiday. Who do you know who should be remembered for their selfless service? How can you honor their memory?
This is my Dad’s cousin Howard, who was almost like a brother to him. He was a pilot whose plane went down over the Adriatic Sea during World War II. His body was never found.
One of the tag lines for our book, and for this blog is: “Keep the memories, get rid of the stuff.” And as Memorial Day draws near, it seems to me a good time to think about keeping memories of war.
Memorial Day is often thought of as a day of picnics and the beginning of the summer season. But at its heart, Memorial Day is really about remembering those who died at war. That is why I’ve put a picture of a member of our family who lost his life in World War II above.
But I think it’s a good time to also remember those who came back from war, and what they…
A few months ago, the New York Times published an articled titled “How to Discover the Life-Affirming Comforts of ‘Death Cleaning’” by Rhonda Kaysen. The article uses the book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margareta Magnusson as a jumping off point to talk about downsizing and decluttering while we are still able to do it for ourselves. The book by Magnusson is described as “a charming, practical, and unsentimental approach to putting a home in order while reflecting on the tiny joys that make up a long life.”
When the article was published the Times asked for comments and then included many of the hundreds of responses in the Opinion pages a couple of months later. Some of these responses were “charming, practical, and unsentimental” while others were emotional and touching and some even heartbreaking.
While the responses from readers ran the gamut, many of the people who commented fell into the categories of downsizers we have discussed in our blog: the “keepers” who want to preserve special things as well as memories, and will linger over the process and the “throwers” who relish clearing out and will empty a house quickly.
But the most moving responses were from people who had had a profound reaction to sorting through all the stuff that belonged to loved ones and shared their stories in the comment section.
One commenter found the word “clutter” to be distasteful. “The word captures none of the wistful sadness of the triage required to downsize one’s accumulated past life, even while looking forward to the next phase.”
One person said that she had somehow become the keeper of the flame for the whole family. “Cleaning out the house has made me decide to give up that role and eliminate what I do not want or need.”
Another man was sorting through his parents’ home after his mother’s death and found, among much stuff, five copies of Mickey Rooney’s autobiography. After cleaning up somewhat and selling the house, he said, “I took the only things that truly mattered. My memories, my dad, his dogs and one copy of Mickey Rooney’s autobiography.”
After a man and his wife cleaned out his in-laws’ home of 50 years, he said it was the hardest task either of them had ever done, “taking a physical, emotional and to some extent even spiritual toll.” From that experience, he felt the best thing we can do “is to determine what’s truly important and get rid of the rest.”
One man writes that he never had a good relationship with his mother and, as one of her caregivers, was able to sort through some of her private papers while she was dying. He found teachers’ reports and artwork of his, clearly things that she appreciated and valued. He says, “By the time she died of dementia in her home, I had received the grace to grieve her loss in a way I thought unimaginable. Disposing of her physical belongings gave me the gift of realizing a love she had for me I never knew existed.”
One person’s response reminded me of what a friend told me as I was writing our book Moving On. She said that after her father-in-law passed away, her mother-in-law cleaned out her house of all the accumulated stuff, saying she did it as a gift to her children. The commenter said, “My goal is for my kids, instead of saying ‘what are going to do with all this stuff?’ will say ‘I wonder what happened to…’”
That’s worthy of adding to my list of goals for emptying my home of clutter: For my children to say, “I wonder what happened to…”
It’s that time of year again when people will soon be throwing open their windows and declaring that it’s time for spring cleaning. Some people may actually take the next step and DO it!
For those who are also either in the process of downsizing, or doing some serious thinking about it–mainly, nowadays, aging Baby Boomers–spring cleaning may mean more than just cleaning. It may mean getting rid of at least some of those things that you’ve been meaning to get rid of for a long time, but just haven’t done it.
Of course, some of the things filling closets and attics and garages are actually things that should NOT just be thrown into the garbage for a number of reasons.
There are a few categories of items you should think twice about before tossing them into the garbage. Clothing (and other textiles) is one. Letters, photographs, and other things on paper is another.
These past posts provide tips about ecologically sound and historically respectful things you can do with some of those things.
Do you wrestle with these excuses for not getting rid of your stuff? I do…all the time. But we all want to feel more connected to the people around us, not to our stuff. We write in our book, and in our blog posts, how to push through and get rid of stuff but sometimes a pithy quote gives us a new perspective. Here’s some interesting advice from others.
I might need this some day.
Or maybe you feel it’s too good to throw away.
Someone said, “Once you need less, you will have more.” Give away the stuff that still has life in it, find new homes for these things and you will feel like you have more than you need.
I feel guilty for wasting money by getting rid of things.
The money won’t come back whether you save the item or give it away. Guilt is just an emotion that clutters your head. As Big Panda said when the leaves were falling from the trees in a James Norbury book, “Don’t be sad. Autumn is nature’s way of showing us how beautiful letting go can be.”
I’ll save this for my daughter or my son or my niece.
The next generation – in fact, the next two generations – do not want our stuff. Our best gift to them is to leave our things in manageable order. As Leonard Cohen said, “Putting your house in order, if you can do it, is one of the most comforting activities, and the benefits of it are incalculable.”
I have such good memories of this.
All those memories!
The memories exist in our hearts and our souls not in material things. Keep the memories, absolutely. Take pictures, write down stories, record your thoughts for yourself and for future generations. As we say in our book, “Keep the memories, get rid of the stuff.”
It belonged to my mom (or my dad or my grandmother).
C.S. Lewis said, “We are who we believe we are.” If we believe we are our mother’s child, we are. And we hold our mother inside ourselves. If we believe we are our grandfather’s grandchild, then we are. We keep our loved ones inside us, on our hearts and in our memories. Parting with items that belonged to our parents or our grandparents is just that, getting rid of items. It is not getting rid of the people who the items once belonged to. Intellectually that’s not a difficult concept but emotionally it’s a leap. We can make that leap!
I’m saving it for a special occasion.
Or maybe you’re keeping it for “some day.” Use it now. Wear the elegant dress (if you own one!), use the fancy china. Follow the advice of Mary Engelbreit, “Don’t save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is a special occasion.”
I just don’t have the time.
Marcel Proust said, “Love is space and time made perceptible to the heart.” Time is a gift to our loved ones. If you love your family, if you love yourself, you will find the time to declutter your stuff, not all at once but bit by bit.
I’m feeling overwhelmed. All the stuff!
As we say in our book, just start. Anywhere. Do the easy things first. As Lao Tzu said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Just take one step.
As a final quote. A crew member of Junk Vets said, after cleaning out a house, “Once you turn fifty you should just have to start giving away things.”
Family. The holidays are all about family. And this year we can actually get together with family and friends, such a wonderful change from last year!
As we celebrate family traditions – or create new ones – the time spent with loved ones can provide us with an opportunity to observe the older members. How are they doing? Could they benefit from more help at home or is it time to think about a nursing home.
This month we have the privilege of a guest post from Millie Jones, creator of the website SeniorWellness.
Millie Jones created SeniorWellness as a way to inspire older generations – including her own – to embrace their wellness throughout their golden years. Her goal for the site is that it will help people of all ages feel young at heart. Millie’s favorite activity is playing with her grandkids but she can be found writing, taking photos (film not digital, of course), and putting both those skills to use via scrapbooking.
Today Millie offers helpful tips and many resources if you have a parent who needs to enter a nursing home.
Assisting a parent who needs the services offered by a nursing home can be a difficult process. You must assess the benefits and drawbacks of any community you consider.
Looking for a Nursing Home
Nursing homes vary wildly in quality and condition. Be thorough when reading reviews, tour several nursing homes, and meet with caregivers and other staff members. Following are some important steps to take:
Assess the cost. Make sure your parent can realistically afford to pay the monthly fees and related expenses.
Evaluate the staff-to-resident ratio. More caregivers in comparison to the number of residents typically lead to a higher quality of care.
Visit the community. Care providers can say anything online, and reviews may be unreliable. Visiting the community is the only way to assess the quality of life for yourself.
Ask about the amenities. The amenities available at a nursing home, such as the types of common rooms, therapy programs, and events and activities, have a profound effect on residents’ enjoyment of the community.
Paying for Care
The cost of nursing home care often catches families by surprise. Depending on the specific services the parent needs, rental prices can range drastically from month to month. Assistance is available, however, so assess federal and state programs to evaluate your options.
Consider Selling Your Parents’ Home
Many seniors run into problems financing nursing home care due to the cost. Selling a primary residence or other property can be a way to come up with the money necessary for long-term care. Before listing a home, make sure it’s ready to sell and likely to command a worthwhile price.
Update the home. Often, seniors have older homes that need fixtures, surfaces, and appliances replaced to appeal to more buyers.
Repair damage. Fix broken appliances and damaged infrastructure, replace broken windows and leaky pipes, and correct potential safety hazards before listing the property for best results.
Compromise if necessary. Getting into a nursing home may be time-sensitive, so consider the lowest amount you’re willing to accept for the property.
Helping the Other Parent Adjust
While one parent is preparing to enter a nursing home, the other must make important life changes as well. They may want to downsize if the home they shared with their significant other now feels too large or if it’s become hard for them to navigate. Some continuing care facilities include companion suites where both parties can keep living with each other while one receives the care they need.
Consider Their Feelings
Moving into a nursing home is a big decision and can be highly stressful for everyone involved. Be patient with a parent who says they’re not ready. Parents moving into nursing homes often feel they’ve lost a significant degree of independence and may become sad about losing their home or regular routines. Many nursing homes have therapy programs and psychiatrists available to help residents who become anxious or depressed in the new settings.
Make Sure They’re Happy
Once you’ve handled the financial aspects and dealt with the personal challenges of entering a nursing home, keep an eye on the parent in the nursing home. Their needs may evolve over time, so consider all your options, including switching facilities, as necessary.
This is not the post I was planning to write ay this time. And it’s certainly not a post I want to write but it’s a story that needs to be told.
We had a flood.
Hurricane Ida, which devastated parts of New Orleans, headed north and merged with a front to wreak havoc in the Northeast. In New York City, subways were shut down overnight, the first time since Hurricane Sandy in 2012, due to flash flooding.
As a result of a somewhat freaky turn of events, we had a flood coming in from our neighbor’s terrace and apartment. The force of the water overwhelmed her terrace, came flooding through her apartment and out into the hallway. The water came through the wall we share with her apartment, which is our bedroom, dressing room, and my closet, and it continued into our linen closet. What a mess.
In my closet, I had my mother’s and my aunt’s wedding dresses. The flood damaged the hem of my mother’s dress and completely ruined the long train on my aunt’s dress. What did I do with the dresses? After they dried out, I took them to fabric recycling.
Don’t judge me, at least not yet. I had done due diligence on the 1940s dresses years ago, trying to donate them to the local historical society in the area where they got married. The woman said everyone wants to donate vintage wedding dresses and they only want it if you have things that go with it. Well, I had everything because my mother saved everything: the engagement announcement in the newspaper, the wedding announcement, the wedding invitation, even the place cards for my grandparents. More than just a dress, there was a story there. The woman seemed interested but never got back to me. As the dresses were drying out, I researched to see if I could find someone who made new dresses out of parts of old ones, and I couldn’t find anyone.
I decided to let the dresses go. Was that hard? Yes, but it was also a relief. Did I feel okay after donating personal items with such a profound family history? Yes and no. The practical side of me wishes someone could have used the fabric to create something new. (I still hope someone creative trolls the fabric recycling warehouse and finds them.) The sentimental side of me is at peace with my decision. I have to clean up the apartment to make it safe for my family and that is more important than saving sentimental items.
My husband’s decision was to let go of two antiques items that belonged to his parents. They were both in the living room and not affected by the flood, but it was time to part with them. One was a small end table and matching chair that he put on Craigslist and sold right away. The second is a Hitchcock style chair that he will list soon.
We are letting go of these items and we are content with our decision. (Why did we have these items for so long? Well, that’s a topic for another post.)
We’re just happy to be letting go. As Maya Angelou said, “We need much less than we think we need.”
The other day a friend of mine told me that she was not going to go to a knitting weekend on an island in Maine that she had attended for years. She would usually fly to Maine and a friend would drive the two of them on the 2 to 3 hour trip to the island. Her friend told her she no longer drives for such an extended time
My friend went through some of the common steps of mourning the loss of this gathering. At first a bit of denial: It didn’t really matter that she wasn’t going. There wasn’t much anger but there was bargaining: She would arrange another trip to see the friends she usually sees when she’s in Maine. Maybe a bit of depression: She realized that if she didn’t go this year that she would probably not go again and she had to come to terms with that loss. And finally, acceptance: Her friend’s life had changed, her life had changed, and this is where they are now.
What she was losing was not stuff or things or something you could touch but she was parting with companionship, a communal activity, and the chance to be with friends.
Other friends of mine seem to be living through similar experiences. One friend is getting her lake house ready to sell. She is older than me and a very independent widow who had always driven to the house by herself. It was getting difficult now and the house needed some repairs after a flood. Another friend is selling her beach house. Her life has changed after the pandemic and this seems a necessary step.
Although these women are getting rid of their stuff, things that had accumulated in their vacation homes over the years, what they are parting with is a way of life, the opportunity to spend time in their favorite place to relax, a place where they welcomed generations of their families.
When we were cleaning out our storage room, I remember my husband contemplating his fly-fishing equipment. It was not the stuff, the waders and nets and fishing rods, he was reluctant to give away, it was the loss of a favorite activity. With his back issues it was no longer possible to have such an active lifestyle. He was giving up a part of his former life.
How have you dealt with a change in lifestyle? What positive changes have you made that you would like to share with us?
In Shtisel, a limited series from Israel, a main character writes letters to her unborn child, thinking she may not be around to see the child grow. (Spoiler alert: She does survive.)
In Heartwood: The Art of Living with the End in Mind, the author Barbara Becker tells of one of her patients in hospice who, too tired for anything lengthy, writes a simple letter to her grandson telling him she loves him and is proud of him.
These acts of writing simple, heartfelt letters really resonated with me, perhaps because we are awaiting the birth of the next generation in my family. I thought back to the numerous times we wrote in this blog about writing a letter or communicating in some other way with our loved ones.
In this post, we wrote about a woman who left the corporate world to create a company that helps people write Legacy Letters to their loved ones so the writer can, in her words, “expresses his/her life wisdom, love and life values with a loved one with the intention that it serve as a future guide, inspiration and support.”
Another way to makes things easier for your loved ones is to create a list of all important things, practical things, you want them to know and where to find important papers and documents. Getting your house in order is an act of love.
Another way to communicate love is to tell family stories. In this post we share the power of telling our children the story of their birth. I remember sharing the stories with my kids because the events of the day and day before were so memorable. Here’s to telling that story.
We can also write down our family stories, a wonderful gift. Both of my kids wrote about family members for a school assignment and remember today how interesting the stories were.
And we can investigate our genealogy, either online through genealogy websites or by talking with family members. A cousin gave me the family history of my grandfather’s family going back to the 1600s and it is such a cherished gift, one I plan to leave with my children.
May we always honor and celebrate the story of our families.
After spending so much time in our homes this past year, spring, the season of renewal, feels so welcome. And what better way to renew our souls than to sweep through our house and get rid of our clutter, physically and metaphorically.
This spring I’ve had my daughters some home, sometimes together, sometimes one at a time (they live nearby and all of us are vaccinated) to go through the closets, dresser drawers, and underbed storage in their room.
We are very fortunate to have multiple places to donate our stuff and that means I have separate areas, separate places in my home right now, each one with shopping bags designated for a different place. Here’s what I have.
Fabric recycling. Once a week, the city has a designated spot for fabric recycling so I have bags of underwear and T-shirts washed a few times too many and any clothes with holes in them. Yesterday I brought over a couple of bags and have a couple more ready to go.
Local thrift store. We have a thrift store that uses the money made in its store to fund programs for AIDS patients. All usable clothing, dresses, shoes, handbags, and household items are bagged up and ready to be dropped off.
A teen shelter. A friend of mine is a doctor who volunteers her time to a shelter for runaway teens (or, unfortunately, teens who have been kicked out of their homes). For her I gather jeans, shorts, T-shirts, sneakers, and other teen-appropriate clothing.
Prom dresses. One of my daughters has a friend who collects prom dresses for girls in need and I have a bag with special occasion dresses.
Here are some links to previous spring cleaning posts where we have talked about places to donate and/or recycle our stuff.
Conversations about the end of life, especially our own life, can be uncomfortable, even difficult. But making decisions now can help support and nurture us, help us focus on what is of great import and what is not.
When deciding how to proceed we want to approach this important topic in a way that comforts us, challenges us, and is meaningful for us. What we want is to get our end-of-life matters in order so we can continue to age abundantly and gracefully and free of some of the stress that comes with not knowing how our family and friends will react.
We have addressed this issue before in two posts that I wrote, one – One Life, Four Papers – about the four papers we should all have: a will, a power of attorney, a health care proxy, and a living will, and the other – Getting Your House in Order – about the need for a comprehensive list of important information such as bank accounts and passwords, insurance policies and credit cards.
What brings me to the topic now is the death of two people I knew, one a dear friend whom I met in my 20s and the other a friend of a friend.
When my friend and I were in our 20s we were part of a woman’s consciousness raising group that met weekly. In our 30s a few of us continued to get together monthly. Later we saw each other a few times a year when another friend came to town. My friend died early last year but I only found out about her death at Christmastime.
The friend of a friend was someone I knew more casually. He was ill and was supported enormously by my friend who helped him with his end-of-life papers and his health care. Although she had keys to his apartment, when he died, alone at night, his apartment was cordoned off and my friend had no access to his computer. Many of his friends were calling her when they couldn’t reach him.
What both of these deaths had in common was that many of the people in their lives did not know about their passing. Getting that news in a timely way would have made it a little easier, a little kinder on their friends. What each of them needed was a list of people to notify of their deaths.
When I give talks on end-of-life issues (online for now but later in person again), I include this list, a list of people to be notified of our death, as a necessary paper. But now I’m going to emphasize the importance of this important paper.
It’s a simple list really, a list of names and email addresses would suffice. It’s a difficult task, though, to think about all the people in our lives, to come up with a list of that might include former classmates, former colleagues, people we worship with, book club friends, gym buddies. Not easy to do, perhaps, but so necessary for our peace of mind.
This is my Dad’s cousin Howard, who was almost like a brother to him. He was a pilot whose plane went down over the Adriatic Sea during World War II. His body was never found. 
downsizing the home 