The Importance of Important Papers

Conversations about the end of life, especially our own life, can be uncomfortable, even difficult. But making decisions now can help support and nurture us, help us focus on what is of great import and what is not.

When deciding how to proceed we want to approach this important topic in a way that comforts us, challenges us, and is meaningful for us. What we want is to get our end-of-life matters in order so we can continue to age abundantly and gracefully and free of some of the stress that comes with not knowing how our family and friends will react.

We have addressed this issue before in two posts that I wrote, one – One Life, Four Papers – about the four papers we should all have: a will, a power of attorney, a health care proxy, and a living will, and the other – Getting Your House in Order – about the need for a comprehensive list of important information such as bank accounts and passwords, insurance policies and credit cards.

What brings me to the topic now is the death of two people I knew, one a dear friend whom I met in my 20s and the other a friend of a friend.

When my friend and I were in our 20s we were part of a woman’s consciousness raising group that met weekly. In our 30s a few of us continued to get together monthly. Later we saw each other a few times a year when another friend came to town. My friend died early last year but I only found out about her death at Christmastime.

The friend of a friend was someone I knew more casually. He was ill and was supported enormously by my friend who helped him with his end-of-life papers and his health care. Although she had keys to his apartment, when he died, alone at night, his apartment was cordoned off and my friend had no access to his computer. Many of his friends were calling her when they couldn’t reach him.

What both of these deaths had in common was that many of the people in their lives did not know about their passing. Getting that news in a timely way would have made it a little easier, a little kinder on their friends. What each of them needed was a list of people to notify of their deaths.

When I give talks on end-of-life issues (online for now but later in person again), I include this list, a list of people to be notified of our death, as a necessary paper. But now I’m going to emphasize the importance of this important paper.

It’s a simple list really, a list of names and email addresses would suffice. It’s a difficult task, though, to think about all the people in our lives, to come up with a list of that might include former classmates, former colleagues, people we worship with, book club friends, gym buddies. Not easy to do, perhaps, but so necessary for our peace of mind.

≈Linda Hetzer is an editor and author of books on home design, crafts, and food, and coauthor of Moving On: A Practical Guide to Downsizing the Family Home.